Desire

I wish I didn't care so much. I wish it didn't hurt so much.
Maybe it would be better if I had a fear of commitment, wild oats I needed to sew, a complex where no one is good enough or that I don't want to settle down right here.
It wouldn't break my heart everyday if I didn't have these desires and feelings....if I didn't think you were perfect for me.
I just watch you from a distance. You are so far away yet you lay right beside me. You touch my face and my hand but its like I am reaching out for you only to miss you by a mile.
You are so disconnected, yet I cannot disconnect. I cannot hold you from afar and not feel like I need more of you. More. So much more.
I long to be able to stop....and stop wanting you so badly, only to be hurt and disappointed once again.
Its almost as if the more I am with you, the more I want you...but the more you turn away and break me again and again.
I desire you. You are the reason for my sorrow and my joy. You are my teardrops and my laughter.
All the while, I wish I could just leave without missing you at all.

How long can a person live with feelings like this? What more can I do about it when I feel like I have tried everything? Or maybe I have really tried nothing except sitting around, waiting for the next day to come that will hopefully bring a ray of sunshine to rid my dark, drury reality.
I can't help it. It's greater than me and greater than you. I thought you were the cause and the cure. Now I realize you are powerless to it as well as me.
Why do I dream of this destiny? When I never really wanted it to come true?
I want nothing but yet everything seems better than this.
Is the answer in Hawaii or Jamacha? Is the answer in a wedding ring or a person? Is the answer in the past or the present? Does it lie with you or with you? Does it lie with the little girl whose parents didn't meet her needs? Does it lie with the overwhelming, neverending, never fading feeling that I have never really been loved or accepted?
Why aren't I enough for myself? And why do I continue to ask this same question year after year?
I am not enough. I am not enough for me.

I feel like I am drowning. I feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller. I feel like I no longer fit into this space.
I want out.
I am drowning in my own helplessness, in this life that I never chose to have.
In this place, I have no time to laugh or paint or create or be real. I only have time to work and finish tasks and start new ones that mean nothing.
I want you to stay forever...but you won't stay in my world.
You leave just as fast as you never came. And I can't live this way without you.

Again...

"So it has come down to this again". I feel like I use this phrase a lot. Why do I feel like I keep repeating myself, that my days are all dejas vu's of some other day that I have already had. I am not complaining, per se....merely observing, questioning, pondering, wondering.